(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
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You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?