I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
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As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
How do you like your Corgi?
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
Meme Monday.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.