This was my dad’s browser history.
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Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets