[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
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He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
me, after any kind of buffet.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it