You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
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How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
Fights fire with marshmallows
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
it was a valiant fight
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird