Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
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Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.