*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
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me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.