British websites use biscuits.
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They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
That lamp looks PISSED.
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this