cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
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*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
#SCOTUS one-star review
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.