Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
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[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT