When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
You Might Also Like
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?