If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
You Might Also Like
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.