Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
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Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
Okey dokey.
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.