Who’s ready for Friday?!
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I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
this is how life feels
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.