I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
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[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”