I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
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Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
The second world war should have been called world war returns
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?