I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
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Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
It do be feeling this way.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]