“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
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Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves