Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
You Might Also Like
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER