*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
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[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
My dryer is celebrating lint.
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
Well, this is awkward
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.