The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
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me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂