My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
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There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here