me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
You Might Also Like
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
normalize having existential bread
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year