When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
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You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.