Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
You Might Also Like
Don鈥檛 ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won鈥檛 like it tomorrow.
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn鈥檛 get the package 馃槖
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool