Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
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I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones