Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
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What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.