Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
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ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
i baked you a cake
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.