Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
You Might Also Like
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today