Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
You Might Also Like
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.