Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
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My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
why does this building look like a guilty dog
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit