My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
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Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
Ah..makes sense now
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
When you try jalapeños for the first time