I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
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Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
Breaking news:
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.