Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
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OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*