Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
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[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.