Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
You Might Also Like
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
This is so me 😂😂
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.