EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
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If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit