Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
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[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man