Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
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[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
dream blunt rotation
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!