You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
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[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
We decided to have money instead of children.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
In Canada they just call them geese
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol