And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
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[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Breaking news:
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
Merica.
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*