*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
You Might Also Like
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?