Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
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i want to work in this restaurant
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
#dnd #ttrpg
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning