It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
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Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
Most fashion shows these days…
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.