Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
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good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip