Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
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I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?