I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
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*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
#catsoftwitter
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.