me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
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Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
This story is comedy gold 😂
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal