I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
You Might Also Like
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no