Lmao
You Might Also Like
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
Dance like you’re not the father
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.